The Accidental holiday featuring the stress diet

Looking forward to a relaxing holiday
Mrs B and I accidentally booked a trip to Thailand (well not exactly true, but it is reminiscent of a fantastic line in the Film “Withnail and I”,when Withnail (played by Richard E Grant) exclaims “We’ve come on Holiday by mistake”). What we did was realised the problems of booking a late deal to the Far East. Booked one Saturday to leave the following Saturday, chances of getting any inoculations(1) from our local doctors, zilch, cost of inoculations from private clinics, more then the cost of the holiday itself.

(1) The cats were not impressed that we missed out, they still get their annual jabs. I pointed out to them that it gives Mischief the opportunity to bite the vet, while McG gets to fill the surgery with his fur. It always looks like a dozen cats have been shaved in there,after one of his visits but miraculously he still seems to leave with more fur then he started. All Jesus could do was fill a few baskets with uneaten bread and fish, while McG could probably fill the Albert Hall (you don’t get to read about that in the Bible now, do you).
Today I will be mostly eating Vet.....
I looked on this holiday as an opportunity to lose some weight, very quickly and with very little effort. In order to maximise the effects of this "Thai diet" I had planned to eat at the airport(2). While Mrs B had busily filled her suitcase with summer clothes, I opted for cases full of DVD’s, cause by my reckoning, after eating at the airport I would be bed bound for 5-6 days. I then expected to emerge for just enough time to eat some of the local delicacies before returning to my sick bed for the rest of the holiday.

(2) A recent report had indicated that eating at airports is like staying in hospitals, extremely bad for your health
I remained disappointingly healthy, despite some reckless eating
The stress diet
My carefully planned Thai diet failed to materialize. I had complimented my eating at the airport by eating on the plane and at some of the dodgiest looking road side restaurants that Thailand had to offer. Despite all this effort I remained as fit and healthy as anyone with an aversion to vegetables, fruit and exercise has a right to. I now had to pin my hopes on weight loss through stress. If the stress at the start of the holiday was anything to go by I would have the worlds top super models begging for my secret.

Level 1 stress - mother arrived to look after the cats, spends most of the day standing in the way saying “Can I help?”. "Yes! Get out of the bloody way…."

Level 2 stress - now running short of time to get to Heathrow.

Level 3 stress - car takes the opportunity to lift our spirits by winking at us with the low tyre pressure warning light (indicating a possible flat).

Level 4 stress - M25 grinds to an inevitable standstill.

Back to level 3 stress - as we found no tyre problems when we reach our parking destination.

Return to level 4 stress - as we attempted to pick up our tickets. We could not find anyone prepared to admit to having heard of the “Diamond departure pick up your discount tickets here you cheapskates desk”.

Level 5 stress - time ticking away, find a desk with a slightly different name but with no one minding it, a little note saying “popped to IKEA, back next month.” Eeeekkkkkk. I laughingly suggest to Mrs B that we are probably expected to pick up the tickets from Gatwick.

Level 6 Stress - Mrs B opened the covering letter, given to us by the travel agent (not much better then Estate agents really, they just don’t get huge commissions for doing very little for you except inconvenience you at every opportunity) - huge alarm bells start to ring – Pickup point "Gatwick !!!!!!!" Stress levels reached breaking point, hearts stop and a sickening feeling started to build. If this had been the 'Enterprise' you would have heard 'Scottie' proclaiming “she can’na take it Captain, she’s breaking up”. Stress levels beyond measure.

The woman eventually returned from Ikea with just a badge saying “I spent 4 days in an Ikea queue and all I got was this bloody badge, so what’s your problem?” She picked up the crumpled heap of human devastation that was the Blacks and said. “It’s OK, your travel agent wrote the wrong Airport and pickup desk name (3), easy done, here are your tickets, now bugger off.” (You know where you stand on a package holiday, none of this customer service malarkey).

(3) This just goes to prove it does not always pay to read the instructions. Just ask anyone who has ever attempted to assemble flat pack furniture. You feel so much better as long as you put it together, without referring to the instruction sheet. You then don't have to worry about the missing 'flange angle screw retainer' that is always missing, along with the most vital instruction on the sheet. This leaves you guilt free to combine the additional screws (that don't acutely belong in the box) with one part hammer, two parts brute force and a good sprinkling of four letter words, to complete the task. OK, it will always stand at an odd, best to refer to it as a rakish, angle. What do you expect? This is after all flat pack furniture you have purchased. Like Fast Food, Airfix model kits and Internet Brides, it was never going to look like the glossy picture that enticed you to make the purchase in the first place.

We finally made it to Bangkok and just had one final hurdle, the journey to our hotel. Now the brochure quoted a transfer time of 2.5 hours, the travel agent 3, Kuoni Holiday Itinerary got it up to 3.5 and the tour guide who met us at the airport quoted 4. About 6 hours later we reached our destination Cha Am.

That’s it for another BlackLOG - historical – if you have enjoyed it please pass it on to anyone you know who might also enjoy it or to anyone you don't particularly like and would like to see suffer. You can also tune into the up to date version BlackLOG.
The hotel swimming pool,Cha Am